My Journey to Truth

THE BEST-KEPT SECRET OF THE CATHOLIC FAITH

My name is Patty Schneier, and I was born and raised in a strong Catholic family. My husband and I are very active members of St. Ferdinand Church, and as a music minister and cantor who leads the congregation every Sunday, I have come to love the Mass. Therefore, it may seem strange to you when I say that I have experienced “A Conversion.” Most people consider conversion only in regards to a convert first becoming a member of the Catholic Faith. And yet, there is no better word to describe the incredible journey that God has put me on, a journey I did not want to take, a journey that was at times extremely painful and downright scary, as I came to realize that God was really “working on me.” He was calling me to come home, come home to the Church, to be open to the words of the Church, and to see the Church in a whole new way.

“I will come to you in the silence. I will lift you from all your fear. You will hear my voice I claim you as my choice. Be still and know I am here. Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home. I love you and you are mine.”

It all began January 7, 2002 with the week-long mission at St. Ferdinand by the Sisters of the Apostles of the Interior Life. Maggie Loyet, in her invitation to come to the mission said she had heard that the sisters would turn our parish upside down. That piqued my curiosity, and I resolved that we, as a family, would clear our busy schedules of basketball practice, dancing lessons, piano lessons and scouts in order to attend the mission. On the very first night, Sr. Susan challenged me to a holy life. She planted these 3 seeds into my heart:

1) Do I desire to be holy? Do I really even want it or search for holiness in my life—like a mother would search for her lost child or a drowning person would struggle with every ounce of his body to come up for air?

2) Being holy simply means being what God intended for me to be in my every day life.

3) Holiness begins right here, right now—not 5 years from now, not when I have more time, when my youngest is finally in kindergarten or when my kids are all grown. This all sounded wonderful, and I decided it would be nice to search a little bit more and strive with determination for holiness in my life.

During the second evening, more seeds were planted by Sr. Tiziana and her call to prayer, namely: I need quiet, reflective prayer every day. As busy as I am, I wondered how I could really do this, but I also knew she was right. She suggested taking the daily readings of the Church—to see what Jesus, through the ministry of His Church, wanted to say to me personally and to everyone in the whole world on each particular day. She also recommended having a daily book that goes along with the readings in order to explain them and make them come alive. Finally, she recommended making a resolution each day to think about and try to accomplish. This appealed to my heart, because I love the fact that our Church is universal, and the thought that I would be united with Catholics all throughout the world in my little prayer time sounded great.

And so, on the morning of January 9, I started my prayer time. For some reason, I took out a very old journal and decided to write my reflections down. When I opened the Bible to the first reading from the first letter of John 4:11-18, I almost couldn’t believe it. My heart skipped a beat! It was the scripture that Larry and I had chosen for our wedding day 13 years ago, and I hadn’t read it since. I wrote in my journal, “How beautiful to re-read that passage and remember the day of our vows, remember our love, our commitment, and the grace we received that day. Thank you, God, for blessing this prayer time with the gift of that scripture—so dear to my heart.” The Gospel for that day was the story of Jesus walking on water and calming the storm. Jesus said, “Take courage, it is I, don’t be afraid!” Then, he got into the boat with the apostles, and the wind died down. Now, I had no idea how this related to the first reading from my wedding, but I felt very comforted knowing God was telling me that he was sitting right here next to me, and that I didn’t have to be afraid of anything. I felt God’s presence. It felt good. My heart was filled with the words of my all-time favorite contemporary Christian song on the radio by Rich Mullins:

O, God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you! O, God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you! I will seek you in the morning, and I will learn to walk in your ways, and step by step you’ll lead me, and I will follow you all of my days!

I closed my bible and wrote my resolutions for that very first day: “1) God, I ask for perseverance in this prayer time—that it may truly be life changing for me. 2) Trust that Jesus is sitting next to me in my boat. Don’t be afraid. 3) Remember and renew my love and commitment to my husband Larry from reading 1John 4: 11-18.”

God heard my 3 resolutions loudly and clearly, and He wasted no time in bringing them to fulfillment. As I look back on it now, I can’t believe I wrote, “May this truly be life changing for me.” HA, HA!! I had no idea what I was about to embark on, or how powerful that little prayer was, but I did know I wanted to continue this prayer time, to seek God every morning and follow him all of my days. I also wanted to go to the 3^rd evening of the mission that night. I was psyched! I was starting my search for holiness, and I had successfully finished my first morning of prayer! But Sr. Tiziana’s talk that night on conversion and a sense of sin led me to some difficult, yet crucial questions: Do I hate sin? Do I even have a “sense of sin” or do I tolerate all kinds of sin in my own life and in our world? Tough questions!

The very next morning in prayer time, I would have to wrestle with these thoughts. I woke up eagerly anticipating, “What does God want to say to me today?” But He had a clear message in 1John 5:3 that I did not expect. “This is love for God, to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome.” His commands are not burdensome? His commands are not burdensome? You’ve got to be kidding me! Give me a break! I could immediately think of an area that proved this scripture to be false—namely, the Catholic Church’s laws and teachings regarding sex and marriage. Following the Church’s commands in this area was not only a burden, but a huge burden!! I knew I had touched on a key issue, an issue for me personally, as well as over 90% of modern Catholics. I had so many questions that morning, and I wrote in my journal: “Do I consider contraception a sin? NO. Do I consider the “teachings of the Catholic Church” to be God’s commands, and do I love God by obeying these commands? Or, are these teachings just teachings of a church that I can ignore and still be a good Catholic?” Sr. Tiziana’s questions regarding sin and if I hated sin came rushing back into my mind. I concluded that day

with the following in my journal: “In my heart, I know I shouldn’t ignore these teachings, but I do.” The only resolution I dared to consider that day was to “pray more about this issue.” I certainly wasn’t going to move one inch from my personal opinion, which simply stated, came down to this: 1) The Catholic Church is way off base here. It’s OK for the Church to be pro-life and against abortion, bur for goodness sakes, it should at least embrace the means of preventing unwanted pregnancies, so that there wouldn’t have to be so many abortions. 2) The Catholic Church is unrealistic in placing this huge burden on its families—a standard that is set so high, no one can even come close to living up to it in today’s world! If indeed 90% of married Catholics use some form of contraception, then that would be an enormous burden if they were to give that up. The Church should just change its laws, like all the Protestant Churches have done. 3) (my favorite) The Catholic Church has no right to stick its nose into such a personal, private decision. This is between me, my husband, and God. THERE IS NO WAY a bunch of celibate old men in Rome—namely the Pope, his bishops, Cardinals and priests, are going to tell ME what I can and cannot do in my marriage, because they have no idea what it is like to be married and try to raise kids in modern America!!!!!!! I felt strongly about all of these sound arguments, and I knew I wasn’t alone in these thoughts. Basically, I issued my own challenge to God. “God, if your word is Truth, show me that is isn’t a burden to follow the Church’s teachings regarding sex and marriage. Prove it! If this is a law you really want me to follow, show me.”

Within 30 days, my whole world would be turned upside down and EVERYTHING I read in scripture or my reflection book, The Word Among Us, day after day after day after day, clearly pointed out the path God wanted me to take: obedience and trust. January 14: The Gospel from Mark’s first chapter was the story of Jesus calling Simon and Andrew to be fishers of men. They dropped everything to follow Jesus. “Do I? Could I drop my issues with birth control if I had to in order to follow Jesus? January 15: 1Samuel 1:9-20 is the story of Hannah in the Old Testament, who prays and prays and prays for a child, and she vows that if God grants her a son, she’ll dedicate him to God. Oh my gosh! I pray for the exact opposite! “Heaven forbid, I have a 4^th child! I’ve got enough, thank you!” My reflection book for the readings gave me plenty to think about that day. I found these words to be very powerful: “How different our world would be if instead of abused, aborted or neglected children, if every child were wanted so badly and dedicated to God. Satan’s prime target is family life. He seeks to destroy it, because if Satan can attack an entire generation, he’ll seriously undermine the future of the Church.” I thought about my children, ages 9, 7, and 4, and that they are the future of the Church. What would I pass on to them regarding sexual morality. I knew that in the not-so-distant-future, I would be discussing these very issues with my son. Would I teach him the teachings of the Catholic Faith—even though I wasn’t personally embracing all of these laws? I knew I’d be a hypocrite, espousing, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Or, would I teach him the Gospel according to Patty Schneier, which might sound like this to my son, “Don’t get anyone pregnant. To my daughter, it might sound quite similar, “Don’t get pregnant, and after you’re married, it’s best to wait a while before you start having kids.” And yet, I could actually visualize my son John, years from now as a teenager or young adult, yelling and arguing with me, rebuking me and saying, “How dare you teach me that I should follow the Church and be pure, when you yourself weren’t!” Deuteronomy 4: 1, 5-9: “In your observance of the commandments of the Lord your God, which I enjoin upon you, you shall not add to what I command you, nor subtract form it. Therefore, I teach you the statutes and decrees as the Lord my God has commanded me, that you may observe them. . . .Observe them carefully, for thus will you give evidence of your wisdom and intelligence to the nations.” OK, well that’s fine for the Old Testament, but I obviously don’t have to follow all Jewish Laws. But Matthew 5: 17-19 in the New Testament, put me in my place, “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the prophets. I have come, not to abolish, but to fulfill. Amen, I say to you, until heaven and pass away, not the smallest letter, or the smallest part of a letter will pass from the law until all things have taken place. (Now, I was familiar with that part, but the next line I had never read before, and it really hit home!) “Therefore, whoever breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do so, will be called least in the kingdom of heaven. But whoever obeys and teaches these commandments will be called greatest in the kingdom. I wanted to cry out to God, “Can you hit me over the head any harder? He answered with more and more scripture that convicted me every time.

January 16: The first reading was again from 1 Samuel 3: 1-10, 19-20. God kept calling Samuel in the night, but Samuel thought it was Eli. Finally Eli tells him it is the Lord, so when Samuel heard the voice again, Samuel replies, “Speak, Lord, your servant is listening.” Now, I must tell my 4-year son Kevin 1000 times a day to “listen and obey!” It’s my favorite catch-phrase that I use as a parent. “Kevin, get your shoes on and get in the car! Kevin! Kevin! Listen and obey!!!” And he knows he better do it. On this day I wrote: “God is telling me to eat my own words.”

If today you hear his voice, harden not your hearts.

And I felt just like Kevin, when he whines and complains, responding reluctantly with clenched fists and often outbursts of anger when I tell him to do something he doesn’t want to do. Well, I didn’t want to obey here at all. The psalm for that day seemed like a lofty, unattainable goal. Psalm 40 says: “Happy the man who makes the Lord his trust. Sacrifice or oblation you wished not, but ears open to obedience you gave me. . . .In the written scroll it is prescribed for me, to do your will, o my God is my delight and your law is within my heart.” Happy? I was not happy at all! I was scared to know what I knew I should do! Were my ears really open to complete obedience? Could I someday, maybe, delight to do this will of God? And even if I intellectually knew what I should do—and did it—could I ever really love this law in my heart? God was going to have to search, not only my mind that wanted to do what it should, but my heart as well.

O, God, you search me and you know me. All my thoughts lie open to your gaze. When I walk or lie down you are before me: Ever the maker and keeper of my days. Before a word is on my tongue, Lord, You have known its meaning through and through. You are with me beyond my understanding: God of my present, my past and future, too.

Although your spirit is upon me, still I search for shelter from your light. There is no where on earth I can escape you: Even the darkness is radiant in your sight.

God kept coming after me. I couldn’t escape how personally he was speaking to me every day through the readings of the Church! For example, Psalm 50 could only have been written with me in mind: “Why do you recite my statutes, and profess my covenant with your mouth, though you hate discipline and cast my words behind you? When you do these things, shall I be deaf to it? Or do you think that I am like yourself? I will correct you by drawing them up before your eyes.” That’s me to a T—I could quote scripture, and get up before the entire congregation to lead them in song every Sunday, but I had cast out God’s words regarding sexuality and marriage. He was correcting me, and drawing up years of contraception before my very eyes!

Soon, I knew I had to tell Larry what was going on in my life—how I felt that God was really working on me and calling me to obey. On the morning of his birthday, I asked if we could have a talk that evening. He gave me a strange look and said, “What kind of talk? Give me a clue here!” I just smiled and sweetly said, “Oh, I just want to share with you what’s been going on in my prayer time for the past two weeks.” He graciously obliged and thought he was in for a 10 minute conversation after we put the kids to bed. I was a nervous wreck. How do I tell this to my husband? As it turned out, I just read to him my journal and all the scriptures that God had been giving me day after day. I encountered unconditional love and support from Larry, and he agreed that we could check into Natural Family Planning, if that’s what I thought God was calling us to do. Whew! What a weight was lifted from my shoulders. We would be obedient—or at least try.

But even after attending the NFP training seminar, a new challenge arose—FEAR!!! I wrote in my journal: “What if I get pregnant? Then what? Can I commit to following the Church for life? Can I really say that I’ll never go back to contraception –no matter what??? I am scared to death to start NFP now, at age 36.” But I knew that true love casts out fear, and that fear was really one of Satan’s most powerful weapons. So, I clung to the rock of music and scripture in order to trust God to take away my fears and doubts.

Only in God is my soul at rest, in him comes my salvation. He only is my rock, my strength and my salvation. My strong-hold, my Savior, I shall not be afraid at all. My strong-hold, my Savior. I shall not be moved. Only in God is found safety, when my enemy pursues me. Only in God is found glory, when I am found meek and found lowly. My strong-hold, my savior, I shall not be afraid at all. My strong-hold, my Savior. I shall not be moved. Only in God is my soul at rest, in him comes my salvation.

And daily, God’s word kept giving me straight answers. The first reading on January23 was from 1Samuel again! The story of David and Goliath!! I wrote in my journal: “No doubt, the sins of sexuality and huge in today’s world—the breakdown of the family, AIDS, abortion, sexually-transmitted diseases, people living together outside of marriage and yes, even contraception are so common, it seems impossible to get rid of all these things. Combined, they become even bigger than Goliath, and I am small like David. How can I fight Goliath every day of my life in my marriage?”

Not only did I feel like David against Goliath, I also felt like Peter being asked to step out of his comfortable boat and walk on water. What if I drown? What if I find out I really didn’t want to get out of my boat after all? Can I run back into my old boat if it doesn’t work out? My friend, Jim Russell, wrote a song that gives me inspiration every time I recall what Jesus might be saying to me as I tremble in my boat.

Step out of the boat. Don’t look back. Keep your eyes straight ahead and your faith in me. Step out of the boat. Don’t look back. Come take a walk on the water.

I remembered what Jesus had said to me on my first day of prayer time: “Take Courage. Don’t be afraid. I knew he was sitting next to me right then, trying to calm my inner storms of fear. Yet at the same time, he was out on the water, inviting me to do something I never dreamed I could do.

The very next Sunday, I became increasingly aware that God was giving me a shove out of my boat, and he was using not only scripture, but every circumstance and many different people to get his message across. I almost had to get up and leave church after I heard Fr. Gene’s homily about a little girl named Mary who loved her plastic set of pearls from Walmart’s check-out lane for $4.98. She wore them everywhere and she truly treasured them. But one night at bed time, her dad asked her, “Mary, do you love me?” and Mary said, “Yes, yes, Daddy, I love you more than anything in the whole wide world!” “Then give me your pearls.” Oh, Daddy, not my pearls, you can have my bestest Barbie doll, just please don’t ask me for my pearls.” He gave her a kiss, told her it was ok, and read her a story. Night after night, he’d ask her the same question, “Mary, do you love me? And night after night she’d offer anything else—just not her pearls. Until one day, when her father came in to read her a story, he saw Mary sitting on the bed, legs folded, arms in a fist on her lap, and her head down. “What’s wrong, honey?” She looked up slowly, her bottom lip quivering, a tear making its way down her left cheek. And then she raised her right first, opened it, and without a word, offered her dad her beautiful pearls. And her Dad? Well, he just went over to her, gave her a big hug and a kiss. And then he took those pearls , put them in his pocket, and then he reached into his other pocket, pulled out a velvet case, opened it, and gave his beloved daughter a set of REAL pearls. You see he had just been waiting patiently all this time for Mary to give up her fake pearls, so that he could give her real ones.” By now I was crying, but Fr. Gene wasn’t even finished yet. He concluded his homily with these words: “I just want you to know, he will never leave you alone. He will ALWAYS come after you. And he’s going to ask you time and time again, ‘Do you love me?’ And if we say yes, he’s going to ask us for everything we have. And he will wait, patiently, and lovingly, until we put him FIRST, until we give him all the fake pearls, all the agendas, all the stuff we think we need. And if we do that, hand it all over to Jesus—then like Mary, we’re going to get something WONDERFUL in return!” I was a mess by the end of this homily. I knew contraception was my fake set of pearls. I immediately went up to Fr. Gene after Mass and asked him for copy of that homily. When he said, “Sure, why?” I could only say, “Well, I’m going to need to re-read that homily many times, because I’m hanging on to a fake set of pearls. I’m Mary.”

Another huge stepping stone along my path came in the form of a book. Now, I don’t read books. I don’t have time. I read magazines if I’m lucky in the bathroom and I read daily to my children, but I don’t read anything for myself. However, when I shared with my friend, Mary Doerr, my moral dilemmas and fears, God chose her to minister to me. She handed me the book entitled Good News About Sex and Marriage, Answers to your Honest Questions about Catholic Teachings by Christopher West. “Read this,” she said. “Christopher West will address every single argument for contraception, and he’ll explain why the Church says what is says.” For the next 2 days, I couldn’t put the book down, because in this book were the true answers I had been searching for. And precisely on the days while I was reading this book, God blew me away with more scriptures—this was no small coincidence. For the next four days in a row, beginning with January21, the Alleluia verse came from psalm 119: “Unveil my eyes, O Lord, and I will see the marvels of your law” The next day—“Instruct me in the ways of your rules, and I will reflect on all your wonders.” And the next day—“Teach me the meaning of your law, O Lord, and I will guard it with all my heart.” Finally, “Turn my heart to do your will; teach me your law, O God.” I was left speechless when I finished the book, and I trembled at the power of God working through every circumstance in my life. The truth had finally pierced my stubborn heart. Christopher West has an amazing gift of presenting the truth in a “down to earth” way. I wanted the marriage he described in his book. I wanted to love and be loved freely, faithfully, totally and fruitfully. I wanted to be cherished, treasured, and honored through the gift of our sexual relationship. When he explained the truth of the Church’s Teachings, I could finally see. . . the beauty of it all.

But most importantly, I experienced for the first time a true sense of sin for something that I had rationalized for years. A flood of emotions overcame me as I realized the Truth. . . and the lies which I had embraced. I felt shame, disgust at myself, disgust for my past, and regret for not having been true to the full meaning of our marriage vows. This book was so powerful, it made me realize that I had settled for a cheap substitute—FOR 13 YEARS!!!!!-- when God’s design had been to give me “the real thing” all along. I went to bed that night sobbing because of my sin. Sr. Tiziana’s call to conversion was again, calling me to keep moving closer to God, but I was a mess. I couldn’t eat. I cried a lot, and I prayed and prayed and prayed.

My sister, who knew my whole story, was the next person God sent to lead me a little further down this path. “Go to confession,” she said. “You’ll feel better.” NO WAY!!! NO WAY!!! “I can’t tell Fr. Gene or Fr. Gary or Fr. Goellner this! They all know me too well. I see them practically every day! This is just way too personal—too long of a story—where would I even begin?” The next morning, January 25, 2002, I got up to read my daily readings. I no longer eagerly anticipated “What does God want to say to me today?” Lately, I’d just been begging God to let up a little, and cut me a break. “Please, God, no more stories or psalms directed to me about obedience, laws, or searching for the truth. Just let me read some general, boring Bible story with a nice message! OK?” I was ecstatic when I saw that the first reading was from the Acts of the Apostles!!! YES! Something new!!! No more Samuel or Saul stories about following God’s will! And then I opened my bible to Acts 22:14-16. I almost died. It was the conversion of St. Paul, and I quote: “The God of our Fathers has chosen you to know his will, to see the Righteous one, and to hear the words from his mouth. You will be a witness to all of what you have seen and heard. And now, what are you waiting for? Get up, be baptized and wash your sins away, calling on His Name.” I was shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. I wrote in my journal, “What am I waiting for?” I knew I wanted to get this all out, to move on, to reject the sin and be reconciled to the Church. The biggest hurdle I could now face—if I confessed the use of contraception as sin, then I had to honestly desire and resolve never to go back, never to sin again in this area. Christopher West’s book gave me that resolve and desire. I wanted the marriage that God intended for me to have. I wanted to love and be loved totally, freely, faithfully and yes, even fruitfully. I did not want to fall back ever into the lies of this world. This book gave me knowledge, knowledge of the Church’s Truth. Phillipians 1:9 “This is my prayer for you. That your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight. That you may be able to discern what is best and be pure and blameless until the day of Christ!” I loved God. I loved my husband, and now my love for them had grown by leaps and bounds because of this knowledge. I was able to discern what was best. More than ever before in my life, I wanted to be pure and blameless before Christ and His Church. And so, on January 25, 2002, on the feast of St. Paul’s Conversion, I too experienced the awesome power of God’s merciful love when I received the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I experienced first hand the power of that Sacrament to restore, to heal and to save.

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see.

But that’s not the end of this story. In issues regarding sex and marriage, it takes two! I asked Larry to read Christopher West’s book--just as favor to me, and for no other reason than that he loved me, he did so. Larry did not ask to go on this journey, but he allowed himself to be led

Lead me, Lord. Lead me, Lord, by the light of truth. To seek and to find the narrow way. Be my way, be my truth, be my life, my Lord. And lead me, Lord, today!

Within 24 hours, he too had finished the book, and had called up Fr. Gary to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation. When we discussed it together, our overwhelming question was “Why hadn’t we heard this message before? Why were we so shocked to find out why the Church teaches what it does? Why were we surprised beyond our wildest dreams that the Church really did have some ‘Good News’????” The answer is in Jeremiah 7: 23-28 (the daily reading from March 7) “This is what I commanded them: Listen to my voice! Then I will be your God and you shall be my people. Walk in all the ways I have commanded you, so that you may prosper. But they obeyed not, nor did they heed. They walked in the hardness of their evil hearts and turned their backs—not their faces—toward me. . . . .They have not obeyed me, nor paid heed, they have stiffened their necks and done worse than their fathers. That is a perfect description of our generation and the sins we have committed against

God’s design for marriage and sexuality. We don’t want to hear this message. Our entire generation doesn’t even want to come near this subject. Despite the love and admiration we have for Pope John Paul II, we have ignored his please for holy, sacramental love with our marriages. He has devoted 129 sermons on the theology of the body, and yet he stands alone in the world forum fighting for family life. The world ignores him and even within his own Church, we Catholics do not stand behind him. This issue divides the family of God! Luke 11:17 (from the Gospel Reading on March 7) “Every kingdom divided against itself will be laid waste and house will fall against house.”

Larry and I spent the next nights talking into the wee hours of the morning about every aspect of our marriage—peeling through layer after layer of our 16-year dating and marriage relationship, in order to love sacramentally and start anew. This was exhausting and often painful, as we looked at the changes we would have to make in our relationship. We wanted to pour new wine into new wineskins, as Jesus suggests in Mark’s Gospel (2:18-22). But in order to do that we had to get rid of our old wineskins. We had to confront old habits and temptations. And yet, God was there, leading us step by step. He gave us so much encouragement and grace through scripture, promising us in Ephesians 1: 3-4 “every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms, so that we knew it was indeed possible to be holy and blameless in his sight.” For us, it was no mere coincidence, but rather God’s marvelous plan, that the first Sunday after we both received the Sacrament of Reconciliation was World Marriage Day. And as we stood hand in hand for the special blessing at Mass, I wept tears of joy.

And then, in the weeks to follow—in the midst of abstinence in order to learn Natural Family Planning—the “dating, courtship, and romance of Patty and Larry” began! God opened the floodgates of our hearts to re-learn how to truly love, cherish and nurture each other without intercourse. After 13 years of marriage, 3 kids, and hectic schedules, this was the most intimate renewal of our sacred covenant. Cards, flowers, love letters, meeting for surprise lunches together, and literally “making out” for hours reminded us of the excitement of our dating years. Instead of my husband always getting the left-overs of my time, attention and affection, I couldn’t wait for him to walk through the door from work, because I had been thinking of him all day! Instead of us both crashing in our separate chairs out of shear exhaustion, to “veg” in front of the T.V. every night, we held each other, talked and laughed more than ever before. True, we had to sacrifice our fake set of pearls, but God was giving us a set of real pearls, and we loved it! Thursday, January 31, I wrote in my journal: I am so in love with my husband—I can hardly stand it! Dating is awesome! I haven’t felt this close to him in a long time. We haven’t kissed this much in all our 13 years of marriage. I once read in Marriage Partnership Magazine that the true barometer of a marriage is how often and how long you kiss!!!” The beauty of this all is that it was overflowing, and contagious. We began hugging and kissing everywhere—in the kitchen right in front of the kids. This was something they had rarely seen before—if ever—and they immediately would come over and join us for a family hug with kisses all around. They love this, and whenever they see us embrace—which is now all the time—they still want to be apart of this expression of love. I used to beg for time away for myself—girls’ night out, girls’ day out to shop, girls’ weekend out of town—just so I could recharge my batteries and come back ready to be a wife and mother again. Now all I crave is closeness with my husband. I am a totally different wife, and Larry is so excited, he can’t believe it!

But who am I? I am the woman at the well. Jesus approached her and spoke directly to her. She would have never dared address him. Jesus asked her for a drink, and she said, “How can you, a Jew, ask me—a Samaritan woman for a drink?” (Jesus had asked me to obey the Church’s Teachings regarding sex and marriage, and I had said, “How can you possibly ask me to follow this teaching?) Jesus then said to her—and I quote from the Gospel—“IF YOU KNEW THE GIFT OF GOD and who is saying to you ‘give me a drink,’ you would have asked Him and He would have given YOU living water. (He said to me in scripture, “IF YOU ONLY KNEW what a beautiful gift ‘the real thing’ is—as I intended marriage and your sex life to be—you would have begged me for it!) She said, “Sir, you don’t even have a bucket, and the cistern is deep.” (I said, “God, you don’t have a clue as to how to help my marriage!) But then she asked, “Where can you get this living water?” Jesus answered and said to her, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again. But whoever drinks the water I shall give, will never thirst. The water I shall give will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life. (In the same way, God was telling me, that I had a jar, and the water I kept pouring into this jar was a bunch of empty lies, contraception and every commercial, add or magazine that told me how I could be more attractive to my husband or spice up our marriage. And it kept leaving me empty--thirsty. So I’d go back for more and more. I tried and tried to love my husband more and more—but I never felt like I was enough.) The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I may not be thirsty or have to keep coming here for water.” Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband and come back.” The woman answered and said, “I do not have a husband.” Jesus answered her, “You are right in saying ‘I do not have a husband’, for you have had five husbands and the one you have now is not your husband.” Jesus goes on to tell her, “You people worship what you do not understand! But the hour is coming and is now here, when true worshipers will worship the Father in SPIRIT AND TRUTH!!!!! And indeed, the Father seeks such people to worship him. God is Spirit, and those who worship him MUST worship him in Spirit and TRUTH!!!!” (WOW!! Just like this Samaritan woman at the well, Jesus knew everything I had ever done. He knew every detail of my marriage. But he said to me, “Look, Patty, here is the TRUTH!!! DO YOU WANT IT???? The hour is here—NOW! You can have the gift of truth—a wellspring of love!”) The woman left her water jar and went into town, and said to all the people, “Come and see a man who told me everything I have done!” Many of the Samaritans of that town began to believe in Him because of the word of the woman who testified, “He told me everything I have done.” (I have left my water jar behind, and I have been filled with a fountain of love for my husband. I am so excited that I want to run through town and tell all my friends—who I know feel in their marriages, like I used to feel in my marriage—“Come and listen to this man, Jesus, who knows everything we’ve ever done! And he wants to fill us with the Truth!”) I am the woman at the well, who has had an unbelievable, personal encounter—face to face—with Christ.

I know that my Redeemer lives, the one who calls me home. I long to see God face to face to see with my own eyes! I know that my Redeemer lives, that I shall rise again! I know that my Redeemer lives, that I shall rise again!

I want to shout it from the mountaintops. I have to—remember? I have been called to be a witness to all of what I have seen and heard.

The icing on the cake, came Saturday, March 2, when God gave us another piece to this marvelous puzzle. We were privileged to attend a conference given by Christopher West here in St. Louis. Hundreds of other couples, priests, seminarians, and Natural Family Practitioners were also there. To hear Christopher West speak in person was an awesome experience after all we had been through. It confirmed everything. At one point during the conference, Larry reached over, hugged me, and whispered in my ear, “Thank you for showing me the way.” I whispered back. “I didn’t do anything. It was God.”

Indeed, God fulfilled every promise and surpassed every challenge I could have given him 2 months ago when I first opened my Bible and my journal. He changed my life upside down, but he calmed every storm and took away my fear. He proved that I CAN delight in following His commands. It feels so good—so right—to know I am following God’s will. And most of all he renewed my marriage with Larry--more than we ever dreamed possible. God was calling both of us to be open to the words of the Church in order to be holy in our marriage and to create a holy family. The seeds that the Sisters of the Apostles of the Interior Life have certainly blossomed in a short period of time: a call to holiness in my everyday life, a call to prayer—to seek him every morning and a call to conversion.

O God, you are my God! And I will ever praise you! O God, you are my God! And I will ever praise you!