(Patty) It is difficult to summarize in 5 minutes what has taken place in our marriage over the past 14 years, and in particular over the past year alone. But we want to share our story with you, in the hopes that it will strengthen your desire for TRUTH in your marriage and strengthen your commitment to live the vows of your covenant. The issue of sex—more than any other issue—challenges us, because it deals with the very nature of “who we are” as man and woman, “who we are” as a reflection of God’s love, and “who we are as” a holy, Catholic family.
(Larry) The message we heard about sex 14 years ago, when we attended our engaged encounter weekend retreat was this: “follow your own conscience. Pray about it.” So. . . we did. But this translated to us as saying, “Natural Family Planning is best, but it’s OK to do your own thing.” We reasoned it was ok to ignore the Church’s teachings on this issue—after all, 90% of Catholics do. Well, we have come to realize that our own personal conscience—our own version of morality—was wrong! And we now know, that this is not at all what the Church teaches. The Church emphatically teaches and our Pope continually reiterates that contraception is wrong—not because the Church is trying to impose anything on us, but rather because contraception literally ‘contradicts’ the true meaning of love, as God intended. Anything less is a cheap substitute and a distortion of the Truth.
(Patty) But it took us 13 years to figure it out. 13 years of on-again, off-again contraception. We tried various methods. We thought we were still “good Catholics.” That was our reputation, but it wasn’t our true character. We thought we were a Catholic Family in all the areas that mattered—we went to church every Sunday together, sent our kids to Catholic school, from all outside views we were, but who were we when no one was looking? In the secret of our bedroom, that’s where we stopped being Catholic. I felt very strongly that there was NO WAY A BUNCH OF CELIBATE OLD GUYS IN ROME ARE GOING TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO!!!! They have no idea what it’s like to be married and raise kids in modern America! The Church should “butt out”!!!!
However, last January, I began reading daily scripture and journaling . Two scripture verses, that would normally be no big deal, suddenly haunted me and gnawed away at my conscience.
1 John 5:3 “This is love for God, to obey his commands, and his commands are not burdensome.”
My initial reaction to this scripture was “Yeah, right!!! I can think of a command that is a huge burden! The Catholic Church’s teachings on sex and marriage are such a huge burden that NO ONE can even live up to them!” So I literally wrote in my journal—God, if this is a command that you really want me to follow—PROVE IT! Prove that it is not a burden.
The second scripture that “bothered me” was Matt. 5:19 “Whoever breaks one of the least of these commands and teaches others to do so, will be called least in the kingdom of God.” This plagued my conscience as a parent—what would I teach my children, John, Julie or Kevin, about sex? Would I teach them the Catholic Values that I say I want my children to have? Or would I really tell them that it’s Ok to use condoms or the pill? Day after day, scripture after scripture, God kept hitting me over the head—with what seemed like a 2x4!!! Other circumstances led me to seek the truth as well. But I was a mess—I didn’t want to wrestle with this issue. I didn’t want to have to change my life. During one of Father Gene Robertson’s homilies, however, I knew God was talking to me, personally. (Story of the little girl named Mary with the set of plastic pearls for $4.97 from Walmart. Every night when her father tucked her in bed, he asked her to give him the fake set of pearls, but she didn’t want to. So he waited. Finally, one night she have her Dad her precious plastic pearls, and her father reached in his pocket and presented his daughter with a beautiful velvet box. Inside was a set of real pearls. He had been waiting all that time for his daughter to give up the fake set, so that he could give her a set of real pearls).
Then, my friend Mary gave me a book entitled Good News about Sex and Marriage by Christopher West. This book was written specifically for skeptical adults (just like me), and it finally gave me the answers I was searching for, the truth about the Church’s position, and WHY THE CHURCH SAYS WHAT IT SAYS!!!!! I couldn’t put the book down. Within 24 hours, the truth pierced right through my very stubborn heart. For the first time I saw the beauty in a sexual relationship that could be freely given, faithful for life, fruitful, and total--total giving of myself and total receiving of my husband. For the first time, I realized that every act of sexual intercourse was a renewal of our wedding vows. That every act of intercourse should and could take me right back to my wedding night—as a sign of our marriage covenant.
(Larry) I read the book as well, and my first reaction was an overwhelming question: “Why haven’t we heard this before?” I also had a question for Patty, and I came right out and said, “What do you want for our marriage?” She just said, “I don’t know, but I want what’s in that book.” Once we knew the truth, we both made the decision never to go back. We made the commitment to NFP, and we literally threw out our contraceptives. But it was not easy. For me, the hardest part was the shame I felt and the realization that we had been wrong for 13 years. We had coerced each other in something sinful, and had settled for a cheap substitute, a fake set of pearls. The sacrament of reconciliation for both of us was a huge step on the road to healing and a new direction for our marriage.
(Patty) For me, the hardest part was fear. Fear of pregnancy. Fear of committing to this for life! Fear that charting and observations would be a huge burden. Could I really do this every day for possibly the next 15-20 years? I kept reminding myself of that scripture: “This is love for God, to obey his commands, and his commands are not burdensome.” And I prayed, “show me, God, that this won’t be a burden.” Re-learning NFP, and having confidence in the method, has helped a lot. Larry is very supportive and helps with charting, too—which I greatly appreciate. In fact, Larry is the one who stepped up to the plate and took the lead in this issue, which is exactly what I needed. He is the one who said, “This is it. We are never going back—no matter what, and I will do what ever it takes so that we will love each other freely, faithfully, fruitfully and totally.” Once he said that, my respect and admiration for him grew leaps and bounds. 1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love, but true love casts out fear.” I now know this scripture to be true for my life. Fear is no longer an issue.
(Larry ) Very soon we started seeing the benefits of our decision and the wonderful, changes in our marriage—ones we didn’t expect. The #1 surprise benefit for me was that all of a sudden I had this wife who was so in love with me--I was floored!!! The fact that our sexual relationship was a renewal of our wedding vows, and that I was no longer using Patty for my own selfish gratification, had a huge impact on both of us. It set me free to be a total gift to my wife. It set Patty free to love me with her whole being.
(Patty) It’s true, when I thought about the fact that I had a husband who wanted to do what ever it took to love me, cherish me, treasure all of me and honor me as his wife-- my love and passion for him went through the roof!!!
Before: We struggled with reading each other’s minds—“Do you want to have sex tonight? Can we have sex tonight? Are you in the mood tonight?” This was a nightly guessing game. I can’t tell you how many evenings, he’d be downstairs on the computer working all night, and then he’d come upstairs at 10:30 or 11:00 and want to have sex. I’d be like, “HELLO!!! You haven’t said 6 words to me all evening, it’s 11:00, I’m exhausted, and now you want to have sex? I am not on that page!!!” Also, there were many times in our marriage when Larry would say, “You know, I don’t like having to ask for sex.” And I’d say, “I don’t like having to turn you down. It left me feeling very guilty. But at the same time, I felt somewhat like a parent, having to be the “bad guy” all the time—like when you take a child to the store, and every time that child asks you to buy him a toy. After a while you want to say to that child—“No. You have to learn that just because we are going to Target, it does not mean you are getting a toy!” Well, after many years, I silently resented this nightly guessing game, and often wanted to say, “You know, just because you come up here, say a few nice words to me, maybe rub my back and give me a kiss, it does not mean we are automatically going to have sex!” I saw this as a weakness in Larry. But at the same time, I felt something must be wrong with me because I didn’t desire to have sex every night. Biologically, physically, there was never a reason NOT to have sex every night, so we let circumstances, and small little reasons become excuses not to have sex. For example, “I’m tired, I had a bad day with the kids, you annoyed me, etc. etc. These all became excuses. We had different expectations—basically, Larry had expectations almost every night, and I had excuses. It was a vicious cycle. Neither of us liked the role we were playing in this situation.
(Larry) Now, Patty’s fertility is OUR fertility. And our attitude about our fertility has totally changed. We see it as something good and beautiful—not as a disease or something that has to be ‘controlled’!!!! My fertility was given to me by God, and it is what makes me a man! Patty’s fertility was given to her by God, and it is what makes her a woman. We are in awe of this. And because it is now an integral part of our lives, we talk about it everyday!! (Yes! We talk about sex every day!!! No wonder our communication has also improved.) We are in awe of how wonderfully and beautifully we are created to complete each other. We’re on the same page, and we make decisions together based on our fertility. There are no unfulfilled expectations. Especially post peak, every month, we mark the date and both of us can’t wait for that night and almost two weeks that follow. NOTHING gets in the way of our monthly honeymoon. Nothing can separate us from the love we have for each other—not tiredness, not crabbiness, not stress, not kids, not work—NOTHING.
(Patty) Our physical relationship outside of intercourse has also drastically changed.
Before: Every time Larry showed some sign of physical affection, I thought, “he wants to have sex tonight. He’s trying to get me in the mood. He wants something.” And I’d have a million other things on my mind, and think, “Get your hands off me!” Therefore, we rarely showed affection to each other outside of our bedroom.
(Larry) Now, the romance and the excitement of seeing each other have come back into our relationship. It’s just like when we were dating, and we couldn’t wait for Friday night! Each month, during the days we abstain from intercourse, we become more creative and continue to be very physical –EVEN THOUGH WE BOTH KNOW IT WILL NOT END IN INTERCOURSE! We haven’t kissed this much since our dating years. Notes, calls at work, cards, flowers and spending time each night to connect have all increased tremendously.
(Patty) Before: We both had always thought we had a good marriage, but if there was one area that we would like to improve in our marriage it was our sex life. We admitted, year after year to each other, that it was mediocre. We thought, “It’s OK to be like this. Maybe this is just as good as it gets. Maybe, this is just what middle aged--with three kids and stressful lives--is like.”
(Larry) Now: This is the best year we’ve ever had. Most people think that with NFP, it automatically means cutting down on the frequency of intercourse. I’m here to tell you NO WAY!!! Having a honeymoon every month is awesome. It is realizing that our sexual relationship is a gift, not taken for granted, but savored, anticipated, treasured and cherished. It has elevated our sex life beyond what either of us ever could have imagined.
(Patty) Before: We were secretly ashamed when confronted with the issue of contraception. I will never forget when a friend challenged me on the issue of abortion, and I said to her, “How can you be Catholic and for abortion. It’s impossible! It goes against everything the Catholic Church teaches!” And she said to me, “YOU can’t tell me that YOU believe everything the Catholic Church teaches! What about the pill?”. . . . . And I was stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn’t say another word. . . . . .I went home feeling pathetic, asking myself ‘what kind of a Catholic am I????” I couldn’t even protect the right to life in this debate because I was a hypocrite. She hit the nail on the head with this one, and I’ll never forget it. We were “closet-contracepting” Catholics. I was too embarrassed to even purchase it. I made Larry do it. He didn’t like it either. And always, in the back of my mind, I was afraid that John, Julie, or Kevin would find it
(Larry) Now: I can’t tell you the JOY we both feel, knowing that we are living the truth. Now when we read that famous passage from St. Paul to the Corinthians, it means so much more to us. Love is patient, Love is kind—we know we can be patient during a period of abstinence each month. Love is not jealous, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking. Our sex life is now mutual. It is a total giving of ourselves--rather than trying to “get something.”
“Love does not delight in what is evil, but rejoices in the truth.” Now that we know the truth about God’s design for marriage, we rejoice in living it! And we want to share this GOOD NEWS about sex with others! Because now, our love—which is expressed in our sexual relationship--believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Our love will never fail
(Patty) And we are no longer in the closet regarding our faith. This Truth of the Catholic Church defines who we are in all aspects of our lives. We’ve come home to the Church. It’s no longer an issue of obedience at all—it’s coming home to the joy and the beauty of the marriage we had wanted all along.